Yesterday I got out my journal to read about my own miscarriage that happened, ironically 19 years from tomorrow. Since creating the infant loss passage, I wanted to remember more about what my own experience was like back then. It’s interesting the things I have since retained in my memory and going back and reading what I wrote back then. There were things I had forgotten and things I didn’t remember quite right.
Before I read my journal, I was trying to write out the story as I remembered it and I was looking for some triumphant ending and I couldn’t find one that I could say really left me feeling like I had come on top. I still looked back at the event with some bitterness for being so alone and unrecognized.
What I read made me so very sad. My memory of the experience was that although I had moved on from the grief of the loss, I still looked back with a sense of betrayal as in this sucked and I don’t want other women to experience what I did.
Something shifted in me in that moment when I gave her the acknowledgement and compassion she had been looking for all these years, I finally let go of the feelings of betrayal that had been there all these years and NOW I could finally say I had found my triumph. All of the sudden I could see that I had shifted from a motivation of away from something to towards something. I was no longer coming from the place of wow, my miscarriage really sucked and I don’t want it to suck for you like it did me to one of wow I finally reached my turning point of triumph and you can too even if it comes many years later.
So you see, in just a short amount of time, I changed the course of my future work by the way I see things, just from healing the pain from my past (pain I ‘thought’ I was over) with love and compassion.
My next post I will share my story about my own miscarriage at 12 weeks along.